Did you ever have those days when your brain just won’t kick into gear. You can’t perform the simplest tasks or remember how to spell words like ‘the’ or ‘has’. Those days when losing your car keys or misplacing your eyeglasses are trivial compared to the thick soup that your brain fog has you mired in. Here are a few tips to help you snap out of the miasma.
- Wake your spouse from a sound sleep and start an argument. This is sure fire. Not only will you have to quickly come up with something inane to argue about but you will also need to prepare your body for flight from a deluge of insults and possibly blows.
- Pretend you are your boss giving yourself a lecture. This serves a double purpose. It gets your mind thinking of the lies you can put on your self-evaluation for your next performance review and sharpens your wit to rebut the painful criticisms your boss will hurl at you (as well as the mocking guffaws that are inevitable).
- Ice cubes in the pants. Sometimes brain fog can be caused by lingering too long in a warm comfortable place. If that is the case for you, go to the refrigerator and crack out a dozen ice cubes. Put them inside your pants, right next to your most sensitive parts, and wait. Fog dissipates in five to ten seconds. (but you’ll probably have to change your underwear)
- Phone a stranger and start a conversation. Just like the old days when you were a kid and telephoned random numbers and asked the called party if their fridge was running. The difference is, now that you are a mature adult, you must quickly come up with an impromptu conversation topic and engage as if you are an old friend, all the while remembering that the called party will have call display and can track you down.
- Ask people where you live. Go down to the food court at your local mall and ask people if they know where you live. Pretend you suffer from Alzheimer’s. Ask them to draw you a map. Ask them to give you a ride there or if they would buy you some lunch. The value of this exercise is that it gives you an idea of what real brain fog is like, so you won’t feel so sorry for yourself.
- Play music that you hate – really loud. This has the effect of scratching and scraping on your brain. The sheer annoyance of unpleasant music will flip your brain out of the fog and into an aggravated state.
- Fire up your lawn mower at 6 in the morning. This will cause your neibour to wake early, come outside in pajamas and ask you what the hell you’re doing. You’ll have to come up with a logical excuse for being an annoying neibour. Another neibour may simply call the police and you’ll have to justify why you were mowing your lawn naked.
- Try to find Waldo. Get out your child’s picture book ‘Where’s Waldo’ and see if you can find him. In truth, Waldo is nowhere. Publishers know that putting an insanely busy cartoon picture in front of a child brain will activate it and keep it running and occupied for hours, and parents will buy such a book. So they never actually put Waldo in the picture. Your fog will slowly lift as you realize you have the brain of a 4 year old.
- Start a fight with the neighbor’s pit bull. This would be the same neibour that complained about your 6am lawn mowing. Warning!! Do not actually engage your body with the dog, simply taunt it into a wild barking frenzy that the neibour cannot stop. Do this at 6am. After 15 minutes of dog barking, report your neibour to the police. Your brain fog will dissipate as each step in this process requires thoughtful action.
- Poke a sharp stick into a hornets nest……and run. This can be done clothed or naked. Either way your brain fog will vanish as you chastise yourself for being so stupid.
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